Newbie mistakes with the Meta Model
When I was first learning the Meta-Model, I wanted to run out and use the Meta-Model with everyone – I was like a kid in a candy store. And I learned it before I got good at physical rapport building. Sure enough, I did use the Meta-Model frequently at first. And I annoyed most of my friends and family and new acquaintances. I got good at it, but, no one wanted to talk to me for a week or two. Which did not help things.
So to figure out what I did done wrong, I had to take a few steps back. I had to realise that at the time, I had not yet begun to building some internal checks in and around each question I was asking. I wanted to build in checks to find out if the people I was talking with were still enjoying our conversations, if they were in physical and verbal rapport with me, etc. Meta Model and Rapport.
If you do not yet know much about nonverbal rapport, I recommend you read “The Definitive Guide to Body Language” by Allan and Barbara Pease. Meta Model and Rapport.
The dangerous tool
So the Meta-Model breaks rapport or can contribute to losing rapport. Also, the Meta-Model itself is Recursive, which means you could use the same kind of questions over and over again, as you drill deeper and deeper into the details of someone’s subjectivity. So you could be running a never-ending search for more information with increasingly “accurate” details. So, you have to know or feel when you have got enough information to work with and stop before the rapport is lost because you annoy or bore your subject to death. Meta Model and Rapport.
All recursion into greater detail needs a base case, which stops further action. That base case is your internal intuition that say “I have enough information” or your external imagination that shows a complete enough picture. Meta Model and Rapport.
Another useful tool is the usage of softeners and a non-invasive voice tonality. Being challenging usually does not help. The usage of softeners elegantly, even in the face of disparate views, people still can feel a deep sense of rapport towards it. Have you ever felt in deep rapport with someone while you are agreeing to disagree? Meta Model and Rapport.
Some examples to Sweeten the Pill
- “This may be completely irrelevant. Please indulge me on this next question …”
- “If I were to ask you … [question], what might you say?” Meta Model and Rapport.
- “This is impressive. Let me explore this for a moment …”
- “Ah, this is curious! What would you say if I asked …”
- “This question is meant in a much more friendly way than it may sound …”
- “How comfortable might you be if I were to ask you …” Meta Model and Rapport.
- And a long-drawn out example: “You know, I am hearing something from you which could be a key issue at hand. But while it could annoy you, I am still interested in exploring it. Before I go there, I want you to relax about it and if we get into an area that you do not want to go to, please let me know. It could be useful though, what do you say?” Meta Model and Rapport.
- GET RAPPORT
- MONITOR AS YOU PROCEED
- LOOK FOR WHAT IS NOT THERE Meta Model and Rapport.
- USE SOFTENERS Meta Model and Rapport.
- STOP BEFORE LOOSING RAPPORT
About Mind Tools
Mind Tools provides NLP Practitioner and NLP Master Practitioner Trainings and Certifications. We educate you according to the renowned, latest and highest standards set by the Society of NLP. We will train you thoroughly in all the corners of Neuro-Linguistic Programming and some extras we learned from Richard Bandler directly.
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